There’s something weirdly vulnerable about giving someone feedback.
Even when it’s not personal and the facts are on your side.
Because no matter how careful you are, you can’t control how they’ll take it.
Sometimes it lands well.
Other times… it hits a nerve.
That same thing can happen with stakeholder messaging, too.
Even with the best intentions, a message lands weird—and you’re not sure why.
You explain the idea. It’s clear. It’s logical. You’re not being aggressive.
But the reaction you get? Defensive.
Stakeholders start pushing back, asking sharp questions, or just shutting down completely. And you’re left thinking, “Where did that come from?”
It’s tempting to blame their ego, timing, or personality. (And sometimes that’s fair.)
But a lot of the time? It’s the way the message came across.
Not what you said.
How it made them feel.
When a message feels like it’s pointing fingers, or putting someone on the spot—even unintentionally—it can trigger resistance.
This happens all the time. Especially when you’re:
→ Highlighting a problem
→ Suggesting a different approach
→ Proposing a change to something they’re responsible for
Even with good intent, your message can sound like a correction. Or a criticism.
And once someone feels cornered, they stop evaluating and start defending.
That’s when things get stuck.
So if you keep running into resistance, it might not be that people disagree. It might be that your message didn’t leave them any room to stay on your side.
How to Say Hard Things Without Sparking Defensiveness
The goal isn’t to sugarcoat the truth. And it’s definitely not to tiptoe around what needs to be said.
You need to deliver a clear message in a way that keeps people in the room—mentally, emotionally, and strategically. Because once someone feels like they’re being criticized, they stop collaborating and start protecting.
Here’s how to get your point across without triggering that shutdown:
1. Make It “Us vs. the Problem,” Not “Me vs. You”
When a message feels like blame, people start defending.
When it feels like a shared challenge, they start solving.
Shift the tone from pointing at them to working with them.
Instead of: “Your team’s causing delays in the handoff.”
Try: “We’re seeing consistent gaps in the handoff—and it’s creating drag. Can we problem-solve this together?”
✍️ Fill in your own:
“We’re seeing [insert problem]—and it’s creating [insert consequence]. Can we
problem-solve this together?”
2. Ask, Don’t Assume
Stakeholders want to feel consulted, not corrected.
Don’t assume they haven’t thought through the problem—ask to understand how they’re seeing it first.
Show respect for their POV, even if you’re about to challenge it.
Instead of: “This strategy clearly isn’t working.”
Try: “This strategy doesn’t seem to be moving the needle. I’ve got some thoughts, but I want your take on what’s getting in the way.”
✍️ Fill in your own:
“I’m seeing [insert issue] as a blocker. Curious if that lines up with what you’re seeing.”
3. Slow the Tempo
Defensiveness shows up fast when people feel rushed or blindsided. If you're proposing a change tied to their work, don't undercut your message with urgency that feels reactive.
Make it clear this is a strategic move—not a panic button.
Instead of: “We need to pivot ASAP—it’s not working.”
Try: “This isn’t where we need to be. We need to shift direction—but I want to walk through what that rollout should look like first.”
✍️ Fill in your own:
“We need to adjust our approach to [insert project/initiative]. Let’s align on how we do it right.”
4. Invite Ownership
Stakeholders are more likely to get on board if they feel like co-architects, not just recipients.
You’re not opening the floor for debate—you’re giving them a seat at the table.
This creates buy-in without ceding direction.
Instead of: “This is the direction. Just align.”
Try: “This is where we’re headed. What needs to happen to make it workable on your end?”
✍️ Fill in your own:
“Here’s the [direction/plan/shift] I’m pushing toward. What would you need to see to feel good about moving forward?”
Where This Shows Up
This dynamic isn’t limited to formal feedback or team conversations.
It shows up in everyday stakeholder moments like:
→ A product manager talking to an engineering lead
→ A marketing director addressing sales leadership
→ A founder aligning with a board member or strategic partner
In each case, you’re trying to drive action across functions or priorities—without triggering shutdowns, bruised egos, or slowdowns.
That’s what this framework is for:
Helping you deliver high-stakes, directional messages to key stakeholders—without softening your stance or losing the room.
🎯 Action Step: Build Your Go-To Phrases
Make the tough stuff easier to say—on command.
Here’s what to do:
- Pick 3 situations you deal with often
(e.g., raising a concern, recommending a shift, pushing back) - Write your default version — how you usually say it.
- Now revise it using the 4-move framework:
- Does it sound like blame? → Reframe it to focus on the shared problem, not the person.
- Am I assuming instead of asking? → Rewrite it as a question to invite their POV.
- Does it feel rushed or reactive? → Slow it down and show intention.
- Am I inviting ownership? → Add a line that gives them a role in the fix.
These aren’t just nicer ways to talk—they’re tools to lower resistance and invite collaboration.
Pressure-tested ways to say:
“Here’s the problem—we’ve got this, together.”
🤖 Bonus GPT Prompt:
Sometimes the words are right—but the tone still backfires. Use the prompt below to uncover the emotional friction points hiding inside a well-intentioned message—before they trigger resistance.
Prompt:
You’re a communication strategist evaluating a high-stakes message before it’s delivered.
Your job is to unpack the emotional signals it sends beneath the surface.
Given the message below, answer the following:
- What emotional subtext might this message unintentionally carry (e.g., blame, condescension, urgency, dismissal)?
- What assumptions does it make about the stakeholder’s priorities, competence, or intent?
- What part of the message might provoke resistance, even if the logic is solid?
- Suggest one emotional tone shift that would make this message more collaborative without softening the core point.
Here’s the message:
[Insert message here]
🔄 One last step before you're done.
Reply with just one word or phrase you’ve caught yourself using in tough conversations—and now you're rethinking it.
That’s it.
No context needed. I’ll know exactly what you mean.
